Dear Gail….

Thought you’d enjoy this mini-conversation I shared with a friend about polyamory.

Enjoy!
Gail

Dear Gail,

How do you do it? How do you manage a poly relationship? I am watching friends fall apart because they tried it and its just hard…even for me because I am friends on both ends.

Sincerely,
Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

How is this different than a mono-relationship; isn’t it the same pain?

It’s true that polyamory has its own challenges and learning opportunities. But in my opinion, leading a healthy, successful poly relationship takes many of the same basic skill sets that you need in order to lead a healthy, successful monogamous relationship. In my 20 years of coaching, I have seen many people who just flat don’t have the basic skills to live a successful, thriving relationship.

Here’s one example. When the sh** hits the fan, I often see people make one of 3 basic communication mistakes:
1. confuse stories for observations (ex: she’s mad at me vs/ she hasn’t made eye contact with me today) – we can avoid misunderstandings if we – as Krishnamurthi suggests – seek the intelligence of observing without judging.
2. confuse feelings and needs for thoughts and judgements (ex: i feel like he should spend more time with me if he loved me) – when we separate our feelings (sad, disappointed, unhappy) and needs (because I want companionship) from our thoughts, we have a better chance of asking for what we want in a way others can hear (ex: i’ve been sad wanting more companionship, would you spend 2 hours with me tonight?)
3. not make clear doable requests to meet their needs

These simple, common habits can make or break a conversation.

Now take folks without basic relationship and healing skills, throw them into a poly scenario where emotions are even MORE likely to be stimulated, and where transparent, generative, needs-based conversation is even more vital, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster alright! This is why they pay me the big-bucks to do relationship coaching. *wink*

With a few fundamental skills and practices, I believe many more polyamorous and monogamous relationships would thrive.

If you’d like more information about polyamory, or if you’d like a free consultation toward an ongoing coaching relationship, call Gail toll-free 1.877.535.5438.

Recommended Treat – The Joy Diet

In hopes of inspiring even more opening, fulfillment, and joy,Love,
Gail

The Joy Diet – Martha Beck

Note From the Publisher

Welcome to The Joy Diet, a menu of ten behaviors you can add to your way of living and thinking to enhance every day’s journey through the unpredictable terrain of your existence. You can add these behaviors gradually and watch your life become steadily more vivid and satisfying. Or you can go on a “crash Joy Diet” to help you navigate life’s emergencies.

The ten menu items are:

• Nothing: Do nothing for fifteen minutes a day. Stop mindlessly chasing goals and figure out which goals are worth going after.

• Truth: Create a moment of truth to help you unmask what you’re hiding—from others and from yourself.

• Desire: Identify, articulate, and explore at least one of your heart’s desires—and learn how to let yourself want what you want.

• Creativity: Learn six new ways to develop at least one new idea to help you obtain your heart’s desire.

• Risk: Take one baby step toward reaching your goal. The only rule is it has to scare the pants off you.

• Treats: Give yourself a treat for every risk you take and two treats just because you’re you. No exceptions. No excuses.

• Play: Take a moment to remember your real life’s work and differentiate it from the games you play to achieve it. Then play wholeheartedly.

• Laughter: Laugh at least thirty times a day. Props encouraged.

• Connection: Use your Joy Diet skills to interact with someone who matters to you.

• Feasting: Enjoy at least three square feasts a day, with or without food.

No matter what your long-term goals are, The Joy Diet, written with Martha Beck’s inimitable blend of wisdom, practical guidance, and humor, will help you achieve the immediate gift of joyful living in the here and now. Begin your journey today.

Schuller Quote

“What would you do if you knew you could not fail?”
- Robert H. Schuller

I have this as a mantra on my calendar. How might you include this question each day toward opening more of your life?

3 Steps to Finding Fulfillment

Wallowing: the act of focusing on what we don’t like, don’t want, don’t have, and/or what isn’t working, at the expense of taking the next step. What is the next step? Articulating what Is It We Do Want, Would Like, Wish To Have?

• Last week I had a call with a client who said, “I just realized I’ve spent so much time focusing on what I don’t like about my life that I’ve put no energy into trying to understand what I want.”

• A woman in Nevada so consistently focuses on what she does NOT know that she never takes the step to ask others if they know, so that she can know.

• A man in Colorado finds his life so terribly unfulfilling that he’s crushed under the weight of his loneliness and misery, but he doesn’t cultivate the skill of asking for what *would* bring him fulfillment.

When I watch these clients and so many of you living the same habits, these moments break my heart, because I so so want for your opening, your thriving, your joy, and your exquisite-cup-overflowing-fulfillment.

Would you consider taking on these 3 steps toward finding relief for yourself?

3 Steps To Finding Fulfillment:

1. Track your list of what isn’t working, what you don’t like, what you don’t want, etc. This first step is vital, as a first step. But when we stop there, we merely cultivate our own misery, disempower ourselves, and piss in the ears of people around us, perpetuating more misery. Writing them down gives us a place to move from.

2. Next, for each line in your list of #1, ask yourself – what is the YEARNING behind that voice. If the line for #1 says, “My life sucks.” (what I don’t want) – write in column 2, “I want more XYZ”. If your line for #1 says, “My boss is a jerk.” (what I don’t like) – write in column 2, “I’d like to be treated with more respect.” What does that voice in #1 yearn for? What do you need that the voice in #1 is dearly (and tragically, in its style) trying to ask for? What does the voice in #1 want more of?

3. Make a doable request to *get* the thing you wrote about in #2. Write down a request you can make of yourself, or that you can make of someone else. If in column 2 you wrote, “I want to be treated with more respect,” ask yourself to stop your boss the next time you want it and say, “Listen, would you be willing to speak to me at a lower volume?” Write it down.

What? You can’t think of a request for #3? Try this: I request myself to ask 3 people what they would do if they were in my shoes and wanted what I want in column #2.

Now what? Do you have to actually MAKE this request? Oh, you may do it, you may not. However, learning to translate your wallowing into an actionable request about what you DO want will take you miles further toward finding fulfillment. While you wallow, you are 100% guaranteed to NOT get what you want. While you translate wallowing into what you want, and try to get better and better at making requests to fulfill what you want, you have at least a 50-50 shot! Maybe you’ll get it, maybe you won’t. But at least you’ll have a chance.

If you’d like more information about “Powerful Requests”, or if you’d like support to make the 3 steps work for you, or if you’d like help to come up with doable requests that will actually help you meet your needs, call for a coaching session: toll-free 1.877.535.5438.

Visuals by www.PDImages.com

10 Keys for Finding Happiness

Delighted to share this with you,
Gail

http://lightisreal.com/findinghappiness.html

Spiritual Teachers?

Often someone, somewhere, will ask me, “Who are your favorite spiritual teachers?” I then show my depth of intelligence, saavy and experience by staring blindly at the question-asker, mouth agape.

Finally I have an answer! Have you met Chuck Lorre?

Here’s my favorite CL teaching of the day.

Enjoy!
Gail

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, # 57

One of the great blessings of getting older is realizing, without shame and remorse, what an idiot you’ve been at earlier stages of your life. I can think of nothing that breeds humility better than this on-going epiphany. The knowledge that with a few exceptions, I was the human version of the “don’t pass” bet on a craps table, is oddly comforting. Let’s take a look. In 1977 I tried to talk a friend out of investing all his money in stores that only sold running shoes. A few years later, I told anyone who would listen that the female singer of “Lucky Star” was a one-hit wonder, while the singer of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” was here to stay. I saw no future in bottled water or fancy coffee shops. Cellular phones? What for? I already have a phone. And let’s not forget that in 1988 I read William Gibson’s “Neuromancer,” logged onto the Internet, and STILL didn’t see it coming. Shall I go on? Shall I share with you some of the moronic things I’ve done, thought and said in my personal life? Of course I won’t. I’m not stupid. I’m just humble.

Wealth, Riches, Abundance

The desire you feel for the possession of riches is One with the desire of Omnipotence for more complete expression.

Directing vs/ Informing

Many of my coaching clients get tremendous results and benefit from a body of work I’ve created called “Powerful Requests”. Although it goes in tandem with another body of work I call “The 10-Minute Manifestor” – “Powerful Requests” elements also often stand alone.

Here’s an excerpt from “Powerful Requests” that I hope you’ll enjoy using!

Warmly,
GailDirecting versus Informing

Directing and Informing are two styles of how we can make requests. In Directing, we explicitly direct the person to fulfill what we’d like (we ask that they tell us something, or do something that will meet a need for us, or agree to a change that will gift us both). In Informing, we simply give them information and let them come up with a thought about what they’ll do about it.

“I’m cold.” – Informing
“Would you grab me a sweater please?” – Directing

Both styles are powerful. In the play of energies of yin and yang, if we imagine that the Informing style is yin, and the directing style is yang – by having full skill to use both, we can more effectively support the world around us. Some people will resent being directed; meeting them with yin Informing style may be a gift that opens them. Some will be confused if they are met with the Informing style and not take action to attend to the needs at hand. They may find it a gift to be simply directed at what it will take to contribute to the need on the table.

Often when clients come to me for help to manifest the kind of ease, fulfillment, and thriving they’d like, they may be adept at Informing but not so adept at Directing.

The skill of clearly, explicitly speaking to your underlying needs and what you want others to do about contributing to your needs can make or break your life thriving.

Extract on Stronger Directing:

When making a request, be sure your request tells the person (or yourself) what you want Done – not just the outcome you want or the circumstances you experience.

Client: I told him I wanted a lighter schedule!
G: As him, I hear you giving me information, but it doesn’t tell me what you want me to do. You might opt to strengthen your request with:

Ex: I’d like no more than 3 hours this week. Could you tell me if that’s workable?
Here you’re telling them to do something – to tell you if they can honor the prior sentence.

Other direct requests (ones that tell the speaker what you want them to do) might include:
Ex: Please tell me which 3 hours you’d like of me.
Ex: Please erase 7 of the 10 hours from my schedule.
Ex: Please schedule me only on Monday from 9-12.

The more you direct, rather than inform, the more likely your request will be met.

Would you like 5 free ideas for how to turn something you want into a more “Powerful Request”? Include it in your comment, and I’ll respond!

Humor

I’m pretty happy with how the Universe put me together: 6′ Amazon frame, body of a venetian statue, relatively clever and contemplative. One thing I miss, though, is a stronger line around my ability to deliver humor. I’ve tried memorizing jokes, reading books on humor, attending improv classes – still I’m too significant for my own tastes.

Any recommendations on how I can improve my humor line?

Meanwhile, here are a few quotes I pulled to give me the balance I crave. Enjoy!

Curious,
Gail

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!
It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip ‘em the bird.
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Homer Simpson
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

GIM Followup

If you were reading my GIM post, I hope you’ll enjoy these actual excerpts from the GIM realm:

“And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some email.” — 4 year old girl, misquoting the Lord’s Prayer

“I’m glad I’m finally eight. This is the oldest I’ve ever been in my entire life!” — 8 year old boy

“I’m not an oxymoron!” — 7 year old

Thank you to those at Rinkworks for the smile I got reading these, and to those who put them up in the public domain.