Dissolving into Isness

I’m hanging out a bit with the Deida community again.  On a post there I wrote this quote, and it was quoted back to me as being helpful, so I thought I’d share it here.  It’s a part of my regular practice:

I ask myself, “What’s left in me when activism/action, surrender/release to God, and distraction are no longer options?”

It leaves me burning in the fire. It leaves me grieving. And when the full grief and the fire finally dissolve, i’m left….Open beyond myself…

The Triad Entries – Part 1, The Sandbox

So since my 2-week meditation the end of Dec, lots has been going on.

Grady says I should post it. So I’m going to.

Here’s the first of a triad of experiences blowing my mind.

Love,

Gail

1/2/08 – The Sandbox

i was angry, so i called eric to do something with it. i’m sick of how my greek genetics and firey temper can interfere with my desires to cultivate collaboration and connection around me…

it started out we were looking at different members of my “inner community” – the part of me that is frustrated (wanting things to grow, wanting my own integrity as a strategy for hope about that)….- the part of me that’s angry (impatient, frustrated, wanting to be met, wanting more ease)…

here are the abbreviated notes – i’ll call this entry ‘the sandbox’ entry

….

the servant, the educator, the phenomenon

- the phenomenon -people not paying attention, or not keeping up with me

- the educator – “you should know better than to get irritated about it”

- the servant, who IS irritated:
“there’s no room for anything else”
“get out of my way”
“i’m willing to resort to force
if it means getting them out of my way”
“sometimes they need a bat upside the head to get out of my way”

very seriously committed to being the vehicle she’s meant to be
very committed to fulfilling her purpose
very tenaciously driven to be the vehicle she’s meant to be

rigidity – no room for anything else

even compassion for humanity pales in comparison to
this commitment

demand, attachment, rigidity

(when a part wants sthing to go away – don’t give empathy to the part you want to disappear — give empathy to the part that WANTS it to disappear)

- it shouldn’t be there, it’s not helping anything
commitment to spiritual integrity, loving kindness w/others
an even higher commitment to spiritual integrity
than the commitment to being the vehicle

nauseus

rigidity and attachment here

commitment to spiritual integrity – “commitment” means to be
an opening but it’s not, it’s closure. it’s a ‘no’ to all
else.

instead of spiritual integrity being a thing of joy and play
it’s been a thing of tension and feeling troubled

the problem to stay ‘on track’ about

tension releasing in my neck and jaw

the reason it’s a problem is b/c
i’m scared of not fulfilling my imperative

holy huge – really really scared of not fulfilling my imperative
dealt with that scared by applying force – discipline
tight tension

really scared of not fulfilling my imperative
“can’t let that happen again” (as if something transcending this lifetime is driving me)

terrified and upset and resistent

can’t do that again

imperative / demand

can’t do that again

disappointed / nauseous grief

disgusted / horrified / sad for what i’ve done before

grief / remorse / sadness

(now doing healing work)

‘can’t do that again’ isn’t so rigid anymore, no longer a strategy,
now it’s just a pure expression of pain / grief

so want to do it right

Then suddenly I heard a voice

my eyebrows release

“there IS NO getting it right, here.”

“what makes you think you’re supposed to be able to get it right, here?”

…
laughing now – the humor of trying to get it
right, in a realm that expressly was not
meant for that.

like trying to get pink paint out of black
you can try as hard as you want,
but you aint’ getting any pink outta that.
but the sincerity of trying is cute
kinda cute and endearing and ..silly…

“btw, who told you you have to paint in pink?
no one said you have to do that.
paint in black. it’s ok. that’s what you have.”

con artists, gun holders
paint in black. it’s what you have.

(things i would have considered out of spiritual integrity)

eric: sounds like you still have a goal for spiritual integrity
but you now also have acceptance for how things are

paint in black
there’s no getting it right here. this place wasn’t MADE for that.
remembering that this is BY DESIGN
remembering that this is what’s meant to be at the moment
spiritual integrity – do it right part -
you’re saying my ‘trying to get it right’ is an ILLUSION???
what are you saying??
do you know how many lifetimes i’ve pained for not doing it right?
i picked up this belief that there was a ‘right way’ i ’should’ do it
and you’re telling me i made that up and it’s not true?
i hear it, i get it, but i have a lot of habits around it.
makes it hard for me to even grok

it flies in the face of what i’ve believed for so long
but it RESONATES
(this place wasn’t made for that)

this place was made for EXPERIENCING. not for getting it right.
HOLY CATS

this is a SANDBOX
it’s meant to be PLAY
you don’t see kids getting all turbulent over an
imperfect sandcastle – it was meant to be play

tentative mischief rising – well if i don’t have to get it right, there’s
a lot of fun i could have.
a lot of fun i could have in the sandbox when i’m not
all bent about trying to make the perfect
castle.

what if someone doesn’t hear again? (not paying attention)

well i’m not going to get bent b/c sand on my castle isn’t in place
i’ll try try to move it again
partially don’t trust me now tho b/c of my habits
getting REALLY really really serious about the castle
kids get REALLY SERIOUS about making sandcastles
its’ a creative act
it’s an act of self-expression

(now i have compassion for WHY i get so
serious about it)

(gives me hope for my sense of humor about me / my work
instead of taking myself so seriously.
yes, the creative act / self-expression is precious
but it’s just a sand castle. i can go to another box.
or build something else.

just watch – where i buy into the demand / illusion of the sand castles
notice where – out of a desire for creativity / self-expression,
i inadvertently slide into demand energy
paint in black. you’re not MEANT to get it right here.
this place wasn’t built for that. it’s by design.
have fun in the Experiencing.
“If all you have is black paint, go with it! Paint in black.”

(click here for part 2 -
http://tiagail.wordpress.com/2008/02/17/triad-2/)